When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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