Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
