Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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