I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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