I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
