Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
