is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
