he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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