this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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