6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
