Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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