new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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