dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
