just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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