Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
