I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
