Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize