he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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