Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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