I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
