i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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