now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
