If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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