On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
