Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
