sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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