I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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