I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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