my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
