he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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