I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
