You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
