Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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