We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
