No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
