Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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