Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
