Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize