What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
