theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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