i would punch a child for taco bell
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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