Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
There are leaves in my underwear?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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