Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
