woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
