dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
