The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
