Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
