she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
