Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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