oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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