mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
