I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
