Cold hands, warm shart.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
