I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize