If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I want her autograph on my taint
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
