i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
