i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
