we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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