based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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