who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
