I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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