i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Drunk is not a location!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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