We won't sleep together?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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