I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you didnt know i had herpes?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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