Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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