Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
