3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
