ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
