Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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