shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
