Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
