I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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